The Blessed Conversion of Miranda Zamora can be best described as twenty-one
acts of outrageous literary mischief. This colorful collection of stories is
richly illustrated with lifelike photos and is well seasoned throughout with
various amusing anecdotes that are guaranteed to both astound and amuse.
The first few sentences of the first story give the worthy reader a sense of
where things might be headed, as follows: “I am an ex-convict. Maybe not in the same sense as Al Capone, Machine Gun Kelly or the Birdman of
Alcatraz, but I’ve done my share of hard time. As a result, I can’t play monopoly anymore. The chance of landing my dainty little silver slipper
on the “go directly to jail” corner space means much more to me than to your average law-abiding
monopoly-playing citizen.” The title of this story, Go Directly To Jail. Do Not Pass Go, Do Not Collect
Two-Hundred Dollars describes this tale of youthful exuberance gone wrong in so
many ways.
Further on, the reader will be introduced to the heroic three and one-half
legged professional alligator hunting dog by the name of Gator Bait as the
author, fulfilling a three-month internship with the Louisiana Fish and Game
Dept., spent a summer deep in the Atchafalacha Bayou with The King of the
Swamp, (“You can just call me The King for short and I’ll just call you college boy”), in vigorous pursuit of The Legendary Beast From the East.
Ride the Midnight Express from Albuquerque to New Orleans in the epic adventure,
If I Can’t Sell It, I’ll Keep Sittin’ On It Before I Give It Away. In spite of the title this is not a story about
the sale of a chair. This is a story about a fine all-American red-blooded
working girl by the name of Ms. Ultraviolet Villanova and her band of fellow
travelers as they ride the Club Car in a marathon tournament of stud poker and
musical mischief.
Cruise along on patrol with Officer Patrick McClusky and Detective Dante Delancy
as they protect and serve the community of Woodbridge while in pursuit of Roy
the Boy Toy as he rampages through the hearts of young maidens in a tri-county
one-person crime wave of stolen affections and misrepresented intentions. During this tale of intrigue and broken hearts the reader will witness how it
was conclusively proven that the Fifty Caliber Double Magnum Smith and Wesson
Model 29, 9.5 lb. hand cannon with the 8 3/8” barrel is the most powerful handgun in the known world. This fact was confirmed
when, in the name of firepower research, members of the local Woodbury Rod and
Gun Club caused a fully-grown African rhinoceros infected with the rabies to
charge the weapon demonstrator at thundering full speed. The brave weapon
demonstrator fired the mighty hand cannon only once and easily dispatched the
rabid killer rhino by knocking both of the horned beast’s front legs clean off.
While reading the title story, The Blessed Conversion of Miranda Zamora, the
reader will attend the Rim Rock Ranch Midget Fight of the Century where the top
billing promotes the midget virgin tag team match up of Little Blind Melvyn the
Devastator, who, when standing up tall on his tippy toes, presents a full three
and one half feet of tiny rippling muscles, and the virginal Unholy Succubus,
who was a North Korean flatfooted lesbian midget with a pronounced lisp and
deadly halitosis.
Little Blind Melvyn the Devastator and the Unholy Succubus were to engage in a
no holds barred fight to the bitter finish with the unbeaten virgin lady midget
team of The Gorgon, who was a swaybacked drop-chinned tight-eyed
loose-nostrilled back alley concubine...in other words three feet of pure eye
candy, and Lady Medusa, a duck-footed stutter talking no neck jabber jaw with
small reptiles in her hair.
