Miss Gladys and the Pit Bull Barracuda
Miss Gladys and the Pit Bull Barracuda tells the tale of dozens of colorful,
highly eccentric characters personally involved in amazing and unbelievable
true stories of human adventure.
Among a few of the memorable characters the noble reader of this book will be
introduced to is a self-proclaimed soothsayer and pyramidologist who believed
that the pyramids of ancient Egypt were actually built by a superior cosmic
civilization of benevolent aliens, possibly from the lost Island of Atlantis.
The Soothsayer goes on to further elucidate that the ancient Egyptians simply
didn’t have the technology to design and construct these monuments, although they may
have invented the refreshing beverage commonly referred to today as beer. This was a beer-drinking soothsayer. It is rumored this severely eccentric
character with poor mental hygiene might be the author’s own personal father.
Then there is the dreaded Plat-Eye Hag, also known to some victims as The
Terrible Awful, that roams the Carolina Low Country from dusk until dawn,
searching for the innocent and unwary who do not take the necessary precautions
of painting their doors and window frames a brilliant Plat-Eye Blue. Your
typical Hag visits upon you while you are sleeping, slipping into your house
through a keyhole, an open window or even an unsecured pet door. Once inside,
the hag will ride you hard throughout the long night while tickling you all
over with a large hoot owl feather. The owl will still be attached.
Coming under the heading of personal tragedies is the terrifying tale describing
that traumatic time the author, at the tender young age of ten years, was sent
flying with Santa Claus to serve as his personal elf assistant. This Santa was
not the real Santa Claus from the North Pole. This impersonator Santa’s full name was Smiling Jack Malloy and His Aerial Stunt Circus. The author’s sainted mother, Miss Gladys, said Smiling Jack Malloy was not fully civilized
and also did not have good mental hygiene, a fact that caused the young elf
assistant great concern. His concerns were not addressed.
The loyal reader of this unforgettable and rare new classic book will also be
invited to golf with the infamous Harry Kenneth Kilbourne, as he plays hooky
from church and scores a Heavenly Hole In One. In his words: “I knew I had hit a good clean shot. It cleared the Devil’s Frog Pond by only a yard or so and then came back into view as it rolled up on
the green and then” (and here he pauses dramatically while lighting a largish Cuban cigar), “the instant the ball dropped into the cup, I saw a brilliant light in the sky
parting the very heavens, and then I harkened unto a heavenly chorus, the like
of which I have never harkened unto before. I’m sure it was the Mormon Tabernacle Choir in high gear with a fireworks show!
Verily the spirit was upon me and the ball was in the cup!”
A little further down the road the worthy reader will be invited to ride along
on a cross-country misadventure in a tire-eating topless Oldsmobile convertible
with Marcel Proust, the flatulent French bulldog. This memorable event occurs
in the entertaining little travel story, Carolina to California in Thirty-Six
Hours, Guaranteed or Your Money Back! No money was refunded.
Later the technologically advanced reader of this book will be allowed to better
understand the wonders of several numerous modern miracles not the least of
which are The Porkgasmic Belly Rotator and The Red Headed Woogie Snatcher as
well as Uncle Bubba’s Electronified Pork-Pulling Machine, a Modern Miracle!
